The Hardest Thing !

It's been so long and this is it. I have to be brave for once in my life ! I woke up in the morning and tell him what have been in my mind for so long. I am supprised he agreed. Although that's what I have been waiting for, but I am a human of course I do feel sad. I told myself this will be the last time I cried for him.

He said we still can be"friend", yeah, of course we can. I am happy to be one. Next thing he told me he has been planning to give me a better life. Why does people always come back to me when I have made my decision ? Can't they just appreciate what have I done ? Why Why Why ? I am so sorry to say ... It's too LATE ! Nothing gonna change again ......

Anyway, I really hope things can work out in a good way. I dont want to hurt anyone. Thanks for the good memories. At least I've been loved......

You can’t always get what you want !

Sometimes it’s not that I want to let myself down. But to ask or to know things is better than it happens when you are not ready, right ? Eventhough I would have expected the answer may turn out badly, but at least I know before I really did it.

In the beginning, the answer does make me feel sad. As I expected it can be wonderful. However I still have full of doubt, that’s why I asked. But now it has been crystal clear and I don’t think I wanted to do it. Thank god ! Some people they only say things to make you happy, but never thought that it can really hurt you.

Sadly to say, that’s a huge disappointment …….

Papa Happy Birthday !

Although this is my worst Mid-Autumn festival I ever have. But because of Papa I must make sure your daughter ME is happy. I know you noticed something is wrong with me and I believe you never want to see me sad. Papa, I am sorry I made you worry about me. You know from the bottom of my heart I never want you to see me sad. But I just couldn’t help it, when you start asking me things ……

I’m so SORRY I kept secret from you. Please don’t worry about me, I will be fine !

Today is your birthday. Here, I want to promise you that, I’ll do everything to make you happy, no matter how hard it gonna be. But I will never give up. Thanks for the big hugged ! That almost made me cries out loud. Soon I will prove you my happiness. You just have to stay healthy and live longer for me.

Papa, I love you !

I’m Speechless

Love the way you lie ........

Chances

Even if you don't believe it or never thought about it, there is a chance that you could live a bigger life than a conventional one, whenever you feel motivated, even just a split second, protect your thought, act on it. For chances come few times in life, a limited few times......

Beautiful Sunday

A Grouchy morning awakens by a phone call from Nav. Two monsters wanted to have breakfast with me. How I wish I can continue to sleep, but …. I just can’t say NO. We went to a Chinese restaurant for “dimsum”. Didn’t eat much as I have no appetite to eat. Maybe that’s because I didn’t get to sleep much. Everything I see it makes me irritated. I tried not to talk much as I know I will blow up if I did. So I choose to be quiet. Nav knows what happen so she sends me home after we finished.

I tried to went back to sleep but I couldn’t. What else can I do ? I turned the laptop on and see if you were online. Well… you did, but I bet even I send a message I know I’ll get no response. In the end I choose to watch movie “The Invention of Lying”. It’s a good movie but not in a mood to watch so I stopped watching. Saw an alert appearing on my screen “JC is online”. Right away he send me a message “Babe, are you there ?”. How I wish that’s you who is sending the message…….

I always kept distance with him. As I know how he feel towards me. Today I just need someone to talk to and he is here for me. We chatted a lot and this make me feel better. I couldn’t believe we have been spending whole day talking to each other. God, it’s more than 12 hours. I don’t even get to do this with you. Although I wish to …..

This conversation made me think that you are really important to me. Although you may thought that you are not. But JC have made me believe that I shouldn’t just give up looking for what I want. I hope the same for you. Eventhough things may not work out in the end but I wouldn’t regret and I wouldn’t blame you. JC, Thank you for the good conversations :)

And for you …. We will see what’s next …….

Sleepless Night

From a nightmare to a sleepless night, I thought I have got used to it. Lately having a weird nightmare making me wonder what’s happening to me. From an unknown man chasing me and trying to kill me, cockroaches all around my body, centipedes all around my bed and seeing full of death bodies. Is this normal ? Oh Mei … What’s happening ?

This is really torturing me. Having a bad health is not my fault. I’ve been trying my best to live and care as much as I can. I’ve never wanted people think that I am different from the rest. I play, I run, I jump, I dance, I swim, I smile and I even hide my pain and sadness just wanted people think that I’m happy. Is this wrong ? To me, seeing them happy that’s my happiness. Mum, I heard you……

One week with only less than 7 hours sleep, I wonder how I handled it though. Zane always said “ Mei, you won’t be 28 forever. You will get old, winkles everywhere, ugly and die one day.” Hah…. Who doesn’t know the fact of life ? The thing is that, I might not be able to wait till I get old and ugly then die. Even so, I will be very grateful if I have that moment. I swear I will be very happy to see that !

Someone asked me, “Do you listen to yourself or do you often ask yourself what you want in life ?”

Me: Yes, I do. How about you ?
Him: Me too. But I can’t get what I really want, even I’ve tried my best. I don’t think I will ever get what I want.
Me: Sometimes you do not need to own them. You know you’ve own the best memories that the rest of the people will never get. Isn’t that enough ? Doesn’t mean you have it, things will go well. Right ?

Him: I wish I can go back......

This is what I call "appreciate" what you've got before you lose it. Shall we ?

I own the memories !!!

放下你 ，我还记得你

哭过了，梦醒了，生活还是要继续，
不必为自己找一个让你忘了他的理由，
而是需要找一个能让自己开心的理由，
让自己过得开心，让自己过得潇洒，
然后等待一个可以给得起自己幸福的人…

寂寞寂寞就好

還是原來那個我 不過流掉幾公升淚所以變瘦
對著鏡子我承諾 遲早我會換這張臉一堆笑容

不算什麼 愛錯就愛錯
早點認錯 早一點解脫

我寂寞寂寞就好
這時候誰都別來安慰 擁抱
就讓我一個人去痛到受不了
想到 快瘋掉 死不了就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好
你真的不用來我回憶裡 微笑
我就不相信我會笨到 忘不了
賴著 不放掉 人本來就寂寞的
借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉

還是原來那個你 是我自己做夢你有改變什麼
再多的愛也沒用 每個人有每個人的業障因果
會有什麼 什麼都沒有 早點看破 才看的見以後

我寂寞寂寞就好
這時候誰都別來安慰 擁抱
就讓我一個人去痛到受不了
想到 快瘋掉 死不了就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好
你真的不用來我回憶裡 微笑
我就不相信我會笨到 忘不了
賴著 不放掉 人本來就寂寞的
我總會把你戒掉

半個月亮

我　以為你在身旁　原來　是我衣領太高
感覺溫暖　像你的手繞在我頸項　這一切都是憑空想像
你　說你喜歡月亮　馬上　我說我也喜歡
我離開的時候　碰巧是晚上
你手指天上說　想我就看它
我這裡半個月亮　你那裡是不是也一樣
月光照在我身上　像你的手掌　碰在我的背上
雖然是半個月亮　愛你我像八月的月光
從不吝嗇的擁抱你　每一個晚上


*** When I was smoking outside and look up to the sky, I suddenly thought of this song. Then I thought about you. This makes me miss you even more .....♥

Happy ?

All of sudden I felt very breathless and pain in my chest it’s like I would collapse if I didn’t sit down. The pain is like a knife direct pointing to my heart. Can you imagine ? Or can you feel the pain ? No, I don’t think you can…

I feel hopeless, I feel like giving up on everything. Seems like with or without me around things can be the same. Can I just leave ? Can I stop being strong to face the life ? Can I ??

You told me to be happy, do you think it’s easy ? It makes me felt so lost when I start thinking whether I am happy or not. Can Happy be permanent ?

You hugged me and said “Mei, he is a good guy ! Be Happy !”

This Is What I Call HOT !

Whenever I see this picture I always thought he is so Damn HOT !!!

Lovin it !!!!

Dreaming of Mount Bromo

Mount Bromo, I have been dreaming wanted to visit this place for ages.

I wish my dream will come true in this coming November 2010.

Will you come with me ? :)

你快樂所以我快樂

你眉頭開了　所以我笑了
你眼睛紅了　我的天灰了

呵天曉得　既然說　你快樂　於是我快樂
玫瑰都開了　我還想怎麼呢
求之不得　求不得　天造地設一樣的難得
喜怒和哀樂　有我來重蹈你覆轍

你頭髮濕了　所以我熱了
你覺得累了　所以我睡了

天曉得　不問為什麼　心安理得

I Tried

It has been few days without hearing from you. I think....what have I done is successful by now. It's killing me by letting you leave me. Been up for days without sleeping. Why? Because, I miss you very much. I get used to talk to you everyday. When things suddenly change it's hard for me to cope.

I try not to miss your face, your voice, your caring, your smile and your everything.
I try not to talk to you.
I try not to call you.
I try not to think about you.
I try not to think what you would think about.
I tried everything ……….

What made me even crazy is going to the place where we met. It makes me think about you every minute. Why must my lives have to be like this? I wonder………

Isn’t this crazy telling you I missed you? When I am the one who did this in the first place? You must have thought that I am insane. Yes I am! Do I have a choice? Do you think I love this? I am the one who should be blamed. I knew it!!! But what else can I do? Knowing that things are complicated? I tried to believe in fate, I tried not to listen what will happen next… but I rather hurt you now than later.

God, I beg you to get this over now. I don’t want to be suffered! Please ……
I hate to pretend I’m strong. I just want to be a normal one, who can cry out loud without feeling the pain and sleep like a normal person. I’m enough for this. Just take me away from here …… I begged you.

When I see the rainbow, that’s the time I would say good-bye. I am sorry …..Because I love you.

" Doesn't Matter", "Nothing is Important"

"Please don't go!"
I really hope I can hear it when you say that and stay here for you.

"I just feel bad."
I know you are and I do hope I could make you feel happy right away.

"I'm Shitty."
No, you are not! Trust me .....

"You will be fine, that's what you say when you don't care."
I do care, I do.....

"Why couldn't you just wait?"
I am waiting..... but I can't now.

"So it is my fault? I ruined everything?"
No! You did not. I am! Trust me .....

"I won't try again, I should never have bothered!"
This is real hurt and makes my heart in pain. Pretending is tough. I know I shouldn't meet you. If I didn't this won't happen at all.

"I don't have a lot now. I don't even have hope of any good things now"
I'm sorry; I never thought of hurting you and make you disappointed. My bad!

"I am glad to see you've recovered so quickly, enjoy the celebration."
Mocking, that's what you are good at. If you think so, that’s mean you don't understand me. How sad! I was thinking to explain, but I know I shouldn't. I have already fired it up.

"It doesn't matter."
This is what you said when you are not happy.

"You already want to get lost anyway, so what difference does it make?"
I would stay if you ask me one more time. But I know you won't. I have no choice....

"Nothing is important now."
Is this what I want? My heart is crying out loud.....

Can you feel the PAIN?

When You Must Let Go Things .......

I'm sorry for hurting you. That's not what I want at all ...... Sure, it will hurt you so much. But, I know you well. Everything will be fine when I stop talking to you.

You can blame me or hating me. I'll take it. I'm sorry I didn't keep my promised. I wish I could .....

I shouldn't start this at all .... I'M SO SORRY !
Not hopping for you to forgive. What I really hope is, you can meet someone you deserve and make you happy. Thanks for the memories.

原谅

每当一个人伤了我的心，虽然我会很心痛甚至哭的要生要死，

不过我活到今天我还没真正的恨一个人。 有时候在想我为什么可以那么不在意。不管发生什么事，我都会先把事情想到是我没把事搞好，所以才会有问题。

有时会觉得自己很没有用。不过我就是我啊！我就是不能这样，哪我可以怎样？

心太软的我，每一次都会给别人看穿自己。真没用！

你说。。。我有可能可以不原谅一个人吗？

你的付出够多了吗？

* I truly believe this type of man is extinct in this world !

刺猬

最后一抹的微笑

在转身之后

我闭上眼哭了

仅存的一点点骄傲 

华丽的外表终于丢掉

很彷徨很孤单 是寂寞或悲惨

一个人该怎么办

像是刺猬般防范

伪装的勇敢

不轻易让你看穿

我以为可以很坦然

面对分开时不觉得伤感

然而将灯关上 一片无声黑暗 

心痛的大声呼喊

我想我没那么坚强

每个女孩其实一样

渴望着爱情的好 渴望被拥抱

却都害怕爱让人受伤

承认我没那么坚强 

不过是一而再的逞强

小心将情绪收藏 比傻瓜还傻

刺猬的坚强全都是假象 哭吧

像是刺猬般防范

伪装的勇敢

不轻易让你看穿

我以为可以很坦然

面对分开时不觉得伤感

然而将灯关上 一片无声黑暗

心痛的大声呼喊

我想我没那么坚强

每个女孩其实一样

渴望着爱情的好 渴望被拥抱

却都害怕爱让人受伤

承认我没那么坚强 

不过是一而再的逞强

小心将情绪收藏 比傻瓜还傻

刺猬的坚强全都是假象

我想我没那么坚强

每个女孩其实一样

渴望着爱情的好 渴望被拥抱

却都害怕爱让人受伤

承认我没那么坚强 

不过是一而再的逞强

小心将情绪收藏 比傻瓜还傻 

刺猬的坚强全都是假象 哭吧 

忽冷忽热的爱

由期待演变成等待是什么样的感觉？
由希望演变成绝望又是什么样的境界？
没有一双温柔的双手能够握紧我，
没有一个温暖的胸膛可以让我依靠，
忽冷忽热的感觉是那么的伤，
明明有个可以握紧双手的人，
却不知何时才能握起他的手，
明明有个可以躺在怀里依偎的人，
却总是害怕他那冷漠的眼光，
明明有个爱你的人在身边，
却又不知道他的心中在想些什么...
他做什么事情从来就不需要向你交代，
他做什么决定从来就不需要你的认同，
他的心情从来都是没人能够真正了解，
他可以一天二十四个小时都缠着你，
也可以一连几天都没打过一通电话给你，
只要他觉得开心就会对你很好，
但只要他不开心就会对你冷漠，
他不是一个很好相处的人，
可却是你最深爱的一个人，
两个人是情侣的关系，
可却比陌生人还要来得陌生，
他总能一次次给你无限的惊喜，
也总能一次次的将你的美梦给破碎，
从不喜欢两个人没联络，到习惯两个人几天没联络，
从喜欢有个人陪在身边，到习惯一个人的生活，
从对他有着满腔的热情，到最终却习惯了他的冷漠，
从不可以接受这样的爱，到最终习惯这样的爱，
不是没有想过要离开他，
可就是深深地爱着他，
不是可以习惯这样的生活，
而是不得不习惯这样的生活，
可爱上了，一切都不再一样了，
或许直接不接受会来得好一些吧，
至少不用过着这样的生活，
有着满满的希望，
也有着满满的失望...
对你的爱是他给你的希望，
对你的冷漠是他给你的失望，
当希望一次次演变成失望后，
绝望也会随之而来临...
人之所以会绝望，
是因为他给你的希望，
只能带来失望...

What Do You Call TRUST ?

To TRUST someone means you trust them with your life.
To TRUST someone is based on your clarity of judgment.
To TRUST is to believe that the person has you 100%.

Who could you TRUST in your greatest moment in need ?
Who will be worthy of having your TRUST ?
Will you be able to confide your TRUST among certain people ?

Can I TRUST You ??

* Put your TRUST in a person who isn't backstabber, liar, thief, gossiper, negative influence, pressured person.... Think before you act !!!

Together

We will hold hands together
Laugh and smile together
Share our secrets together
And help each other together

We will confess our fears together
Wipe each other's tears together
Comfort each other together
And confide in each other together

We will talk about the darkness together
Write depressing poems together
Slit out wrists together
Scream in pain together

We will embrace sorrow together
Feel each other's pain together
Plan our deaths together
And endure our suicides together

Lost

Lost feeling to care
Lost sympathy to spare
Lost patience to bear
Lost sense to keep fair

Lost endurance to follow restriction
Lost peace to stop frustration
Lost power to avoid attention
Lost strength to shun aggression

Lost courage to sacrifice
Lost kindness to be polite
Lost temper to keep quiet
Lost thought to be right

Lost anger to control
Lost opinion to give poll
Lost desire to keep goal
Lost myself to have a role ......

I am LOST !

You Sing a Song .....

You surprised me with this song ....

Sorry

Sometimes sorry isn't good enough
Sometimes you have to be tough
Sometimes sorry is too hard to say
Sorry is a card you always have to play
Sometimes sorry is the wrong word
Sometimes sorry is the only cure
Sometimes the word sorry isn't always true
Sometimes sorry is only for you
Sometimes sorry is too big
Sometimes sorry is a fib
Sometimes sorry will make you cry
Sometimes sorry will be your last goodbye
Sometimes sorry is forgot
Sometimes I say sorry a lot
Sometimes sorry is a gift
Sometimes sorry makes a lift
Sometimes sorry is the only way to fix a bad day ......

Lovely Dresses

Accidentally saw this lovely dresses in MSN website. Its so beautiful !! When I tried to check out the price it's was bloody expensive, can you imagine it's like $600 per piece ? I was like holly shit !!! Don't ever think about it. Oh well, I know if I want to have it, I definitely can buy it, but I don't think this is worth while to buy. So.... I decided to saved the pictures and keep it. With this I feel better just look at them ... :p

We Smile....

Sometimes we smile to hide a tear,
Sometimes we laugh not to show fear,
Sometimes we smile to make people not to see,
How unhappy we really can be.
Sometimes we smile to hide or true intentions,
Sometimes we send people through in the wrong direction,
When we fake or smiles we lie to ourselves.
No one can see we are calling for help.
Sometimes we smile to make people feel better,
Sometimes we smile but are always under the weather,
Sometimes we cry through or hidden smiles,
No one sees our inner child.
Sometimes we smile but want to cry,
Fake smiles aren't worth the while.

Shall I HOPE ?

Shall we Hope ?
Hope for a better life ?
Hope to feel like we actually live ?
Hope for a chance to do things better ?
Is there a reason for hope ?

Shall we Hope ?
Hope to undo what's been done ?
Hope to be greater than we are ?
Hope to learn to give and not take ?
What's hope ?

I ask you, shall we hope ?

Do You Ever Feel Terrified ?

Why am I feeling scared all the time ?

It's filling all the tired open spaces of my mind

I'm terrified

Why can't I reach the other side of the road ?

I'm young but it's making me grow old

I'm lost

I've struggled through and survived

But why is my mind so blind and loosing time ?

I'm terrified

I can't find the dreams I lost along the line

In my heart a perfected fear resides

I'm terrified

The world seemingly humours me

I do to me what seems to be a tragedy

I'm terrified

Life is like an ocean so wide

And I'm the waves slipping from the shore, why ?

I'm terrified

Anxiety rises like a tidal wave

Where can I find cover to hide ?

When I'm terrified

I run but to be lost left far behind

Depression creeps in I thought I beat it within

I'm terrified

I feel pulled from pillar too post by fear

The perfected fear uses me like a host

I'm terrified

I can't understand it, I can't stand it

It's eating me alive, I need a rope to climb

But I'm terrified

My soul feel stolen from its home

Without it how do I survive ? I need to survive but,

I'm terrified

Why am I feeling scared all the time ?

It's filling all the tired open spaces of my mind

I'M TERRIFIED

Happy February

It has been a while I don't consider that I am happy. But February 2010 is full of happiness to me. Happy because I finally get to meet someone and happy because I get to spend times with my dad. It was a precious moments for me.

I wish time will just stop here and let me enjoy the moments.

Something You Call CHANGE

Seasons come and go
Sceneries change over time
Nothing stays the same

Should we be revised ?
Of course, it's necessary
All are due for change

Without change there's no
Future to look forward to
Change lives on a throne

Change can make us cry
Change can also make us laugh
Sometimes change is death

Sometimes change is life
Nothing ever changes change
Change is is always change !